say it

 

An addiction to the light that shines in people’s eyes when you knock them off their script.

The sun violently throwing itself at the window,
the road you take to the office inexplicably carpeted by
vines overnight,
your car an adult-sized tricycle.

THAT kind of aggression: pots and pans as alarm clock
(You’re burning daylight!)

This is the gift that was prophesied
the one that only has to make sense if you want it to.

Strong preferences for smashed-up teleprompters, an
acquired taste for the sharp edge of a

waking dream.

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Meausic

I’m a wreck.. One week until our interview. (His interview).   He does things so last minute, I’m the exact opposite.  So I’m like WHY HAVEN’T YOU DONE YOUR PASSPORT PHOTOS, WHY DIDN’T YOU PRINT OUT THE DS160 CONFIRMATION PAGE BLARGHHHH like a horrible sitcom-y wife.  Ugh.

Also I bought my wedding dress.  It’s a mixture of pride and embarrassment that I managed to be THIS CHEAP for my WEDDING.  Originally $295, but I got it for $25.   It wasn’t even used, someone at the original store was apparently too lazy to rethread the straps, so it was listed as “missing a strap”.  The Annex

It’s gonna be so awful if we don’t get the visa.  I moved into a new APARTMENT. I bought a BED and a WEDDING DRESS.

Everyone send me positive vibes the night of July 4th (U.S. time)  Early July 5th India time.

surprising tears. silk crows hanging from the ceiling

https://dpan.tv/series/asl-music-videos/episode/different-colors-walk-the-moon

Listening/watching that ↑ for my ASL class.

Wrote most of this ↓ after karaoke last night + later ghost stories at a fast food joint.

Untitled

I’m balancing on a knife edge,
thin and slick.
destruction-efficient.

the ground overhead, dust
sifting into my hair
to rest on my scalp.

trees reaching for my shoulderblades.

If you can find the walls,
there is whitebread at the table.

underneath, forgotten clumps of hair
the memory of a dog,
to be picked over like tea leaves.

the future circles back
to catch the tail of the past

in his teeth.

 

Dissonant Post, Poetry, music. Visceral touch vs. Comfort

got moods like the weather.  Think you gave up on being my forecaster a while back, just riding the waves, sails into the wind.  you recognize a red sky.  next day: surprised and grateful for the sunlight.

Instructions for this video.  Play the first one, and then a little while in, start the second one… swurr it sounds really nice to have them both playing at the same time.

Some thoughts on dancing.

A continuum of Sexy——–Happy.  Actually I’m not sure that it’s a continuum so much as an either/or situation. Comfort though, that can be used on either side of that spectrum. MAN I love happy dancing with strangers.  Going crazy because you know they won’t take it in a don’t-get-fresh-with-me direction, swear you can see something pouring out of their whole being,

light.  Went out on Friday with a deep desperation to lose myself on the dance floor, till I  finally go home, sore bones, heart pounding.  To the dude.  Your creepy friends were a stark contrast to your full-body music lostness.  No matter what you look like, if you are dancing with that kind of joy, everyone is gonna wanna hang out with you.  Or at least, I will.  But attractiveness matters zero to me at this point in my life.   Or… attractiveness has nothing to do with what you look like physically.  The things that pull me into someone’s orbit are soul-things. suh-im.

As a dancer who is in a long distance relationship, I have had to learn to separate physical contact, physical connection, from desire.   Actually the more I get into Zouk, (which is incredibly sexy at face value), the more I am able to do this.  I don’t know.  Might be a head thing, left over from my fundamentalist past, really used to think physical touch would destroy me, destroy my friendships, make God angry, whatever.   Hm.    People need that though.  Zouk is different from Bachata, in terms of connection.  Feels like a deep tenderness.  I don’t think the danger is in mistaking that for love.  You just need to have respect for dancefloor love, and know what it is and isn’t.

Held hands with an old Somali dude today at work.  Sometimes he just cries.  Doesn’t have a lot of family who visit him.  I wonder how it is when I try to help him.  Does he think I should be covering my hair?  Culture differences.

out to sea

 

A large part of me hopes he can cure this when he gets here.  This need in me to be better, do better, always be doing something… the thing inside that doesn’t let me relax… this… parasite.  Got me sacrificing friendships for ambition.  Ugly like that.  He does two things.  Work.  Chill with his friends.  Sometimes he laughs at me when I talk about all these different classes I want to do, and maybe he’s right.

I’m so tired.