to give you what you thought you wanted
I had to suppress myself.
elevator music of the soul
no spark, no fire
I love you enough for this.
when you tell someone they can have
they will head straight for the
tree in the center of the
triumph staining their teeth like
jumping on the dating train again (okay I never really was ever on it lessbehonest) and it has been a RIDE.
Night shift poetry for your enjoyment:
the way the tide cycles our stars proximate
this intimacy is blessed,
sacred and agonizing.
I die daily for fate,
close enough if it’s
close enough to break me
sacrifice the future
on the bloodbright altar of the
here and now
hold you through all four horsemen
as the asteroid hits
when the ocean rises to bury us
while the long curve of radioactive fallout
shipwrecks our descendants wakeful
I want to give you everything you need or even
Take it all, suits you well.
eyes open wide soak you in,
sunflower to the light
think I’ve been living in a cave till I met you
campfire sparks rise starward
Don’t even need to look up when
you’re the entire sky.
This is cheesy and stupid but that’s how I feel right now.
Feels like I’m falling but I know the entire universe is my safety net (or anyways, of late, that’s what the dreams imply).
Was to be married this year, but he’s marrying someone else and I finally got to the point where I’m really, really cool with it, and happy being single.
Annnnnnd then I met someone..
homeboy is…bruh, it’s like a DREAM over here, I am so so so into him. First date lasted 8 hours, the conversation just flowed. He’s so funny. I’ve never been with anyone who had a good sense of humor, EVER. I’ve never been with someone who takes care of themselves, he is so healthy, it’s so attractive. He is SUCH A NICE, HONEST, PERSON. I can tell when he’s talking he doesn’t think before he talks, like he doesn’t censor what he thinks and it’s so nice and so relaxing. Things are moving at exactly the right pace. We’re joking that tinder should use our dates for it’s advertisements, things are so good.
I realize now I have been settling for less in a big way. Godddd I hope this works out…
I can’t believe this is real life. Got me all suspicious, but there aren’t any red flags, it’s all green as far as I can see…
Haven’t written or posted becaaaaaaaaaause. The six month abyss ate me and I’ve been hibernating in all that deep sad.
But I’m back because the abyss has spat me out (unexpectedly and with the help of a very gorgeous man that I met in Berlin who was good for my self esteem.)
Also to post this song that has my head all behind bars.
I know where my brain would take me if I let it. Not exactly like I’m afraid (why fear the opposite of death… but)
waking up with wings instead of shoulder blades somehow always just leads to a bloody
back. Claw marks voluntary,
I went to the priest myself, drug(ged) flightless by a syringe
instead of a crucifix. This cycle is too
familiar. Stretched out
death, hard to find a horizon that far away. Like I said,
Fear/Hope they won’t grow back (future tense)
Could close the door on that universe forever.
time bomb hourglass sand, stupid to not know what’s
Can’t tell which half is the dream.
I’m climbing a staircase.
I know where it leads.
it’s the jagged edge of reality
some kind of
claw myself all the way to the bottom,
lacerate the sky-crust in freefall
(don’t know if I choose or am
thought about seeing an exorcist.
rid myself of this too-bright scorch-earth headplace
…(I’m addicted to being reborn
rediscovering the day after wingless, stupid night.
I miss my light-blinded airplane. don’t want to self-destruct but
something keeps begging my brain to
jam itself straight into the sun
Flay this universe right off my bones.
Crash Glorious till I finally
staring down the sharp edge of an eclipse
eyes wide and waiting
veins begging for full-dark taste
Revolution is bloody, chaotic, visceral
survival snaps to the foreground
New world texture is more teeth than blanket
brain and body soft but getting less so
mind unfaded, purpose a fistful of
Run like you mean it.
Spill blood like it’s instinct.
Nothing left to
A Poem for Overthrowing the Bourgeoisie.
I’m reading Nightfall by Isaac Asimov and Robert Silverberg, hence the poem. Riding out some slow-waved depression. It comes and goes. Sometimes I wake up and I feel okay. Last night I didn’t even sleep at all. Halfway through a 16 hour shift. Didn’t know I could even do that on no sleep. Hm.
Lower myself into this bed like a coffin, don’t wanna come up for air until I’m resurrected. Wish I could burn this whole universe to the ground.
I lived in a universe where everything made sense. Where everything was right. Turn a corner and I’m flung into this… this plague of apathy, despondency, futility.
Wish I could just stay in that universe. It’s a good one. Can’t hold down a job there but it matters zero to me.
All this shit that doesn’t matter. I’m just a fancy ape working 16 hour shifts.
How does that make any sense at all?
I keep having to rebuild my life.
Stack my tower all the way to heaven, stare God in the face until Crash Glorious.
I saw also that there was an ocean of darkness and death, but an infinite ocean of light and love, which flowed over the ocean of darkness.
The song isn’t heretical, although I haven’t done an in-depth analysis. George Fox founded the Quakers. I went to my first Quaker meeting tonight. I love it. It’s everything I believe about how to get a direct line to Spirit through meditation.
Love love love.