I had this feeling like I’m giving more than I get.
I’ll give it all. I’ll pour myself out till I overflow again. You won’t ever feel a love like mine again in this lifetime, that someone would give you everything while you hold back behind a wall, afraid to show too much of yourself.
I’ve spent a decade plus tearing down every brick. No barriers to this garden, god you keep your soul so tightly held
(that’s who I sing to)
How could you have anything to give?
So take take take.
A long time ago the man at the beginning of the world told me to never close the valve on my heart, keep it open all the way always, and I think I’m finally ready to try.
This existence isn’t transactional.
Nothing rational about love.
candlelight suits you well
fits you as the sleeper fits the
bathe here with you
would try to post some kinda straight-forward love song but that’s not what I have in my just-added right now. Don’t be a choosy beggar.
ok i get why people are going crazy for bts. so fun. all up in that solar energy.
laughter as a funhouse mirror
the madness in me recognizes the madness in you.
fucked up world,
reflecting it and each other in
sound and syllable
praise to the God of the apocalypse,
the God of poverty
vocal chorded scorch-earth happy
I know you in the conflagration
(my first friend in the asylum)
take away my power until I kick you in the
till I leave hand shaped bruises we exclaim over tomorrow
and on the third day the sun created himself created the moon created herself
dancing in the pitch dark
wet paint colorless
illusions and feints
this is not soft intimacy
not when I can see your teeth
The sunrise comes after endless years of night.
I don’t know how many eternities I can wait to be with you again. I want to slice out this parasite of want and need until I am my own again. Not the moon reflecting the sun until she is seen. My heart betrays my head through fault of your eyes. Mirrors too clear.
I see you.
Halfway wish I could cut this sight out too. Self-blinded to the kind of love that locks you out of paradise.
Always getting kicked out of the garden.
I offered you (am offering, will offer) the apple.
You’ve said yes every time.
to give you what you thought you wanted
I had to suppress myself.
elevator music of the soul
no spark, no fire
I love you enough for this.
when you tell someone they can have
they will head straight for the
tree in the center of the
triumph staining their teeth like
jumping on the dating train again (okay I never really was ever on it lessbehonest) and it has been a RIDE.
Night shift poetry for your enjoyment:
the way the tide cycles our stars proximate
this intimacy is blessed,
sacred and agonizing.
I die daily for fate,
close enough if it’s
close enough to break me
sacrifice the future
on the bloodbright altar of the
here and now
hold you through all four horsemen
as the asteroid hits
when the ocean rises to bury us
while the long curve of radioactive fallout
shipwrecks our descendants wakeful
I want to give you everything you need or even
Take it all, suits you well.
eyes open wide soak you in,
sunflower to the light
think I’ve been living in a cave till I met you
campfire sparks rise starward
Don’t even need to look up when
you’re the entire sky.
This is cheesy and stupid but that’s how I feel right now.
Feels like I’m falling but I know the entire universe is my safety net (or anyways, of late, that’s what the dreams imply).
Was to be married this year, but he’s marrying someone else and I finally got to the point where I’m really, really cool with it, and happy being single.
Annnnnnd then I met someone..
homeboy is…bruh, it’s like a DREAM over here, I am so so so into him. First date lasted 8 hours, the conversation just flowed. He’s so funny. I’ve never been with anyone who had a good sense of humor, EVER. I’ve never been with someone who takes care of themselves, he is so healthy, it’s so attractive. He is SUCH A NICE, HONEST, PERSON. I can tell when he’s talking he doesn’t think before he talks, like he doesn’t censor what he thinks and it’s so nice and so relaxing. Things are moving at exactly the right pace. We’re joking that tinder should use our dates for it’s advertisements, things are so good.
I realize now I have been settling for less in a big way. Godddd I hope this works out…
I can’t believe this is real life. Got me all suspicious, but there aren’t any red flags, it’s all green as far as I can see…
Haven’t written or posted becaaaaaaaaaause. The six month abyss ate me and I’ve been hibernating in all that deep sad.
But I’m back because the abyss has spat me out (unexpectedly and with the help of a very gorgeous man that I met in Berlin who was good for my self esteem.)
Also to post this song that has my head all behind bars.
I know where my brain would take me if I let it. Not exactly like I’m afraid (why fear the opposite of death… but)
waking up with wings instead of shoulder blades somehow always just leads to a bloody
back. Claw marks voluntary,
I went to the priest myself, drug(ged) flightless by a syringe
instead of a crucifix. This cycle is too
familiar. Stretched out
death, hard to find a horizon that far away. Like I said,
Fear/Hope they won’t grow back (future tense)
Could close the door on that universe forever.
time bomb hourglass sand, stupid to not know what’s
Can’t tell which half is the dream.
I’m climbing a staircase.
I know where it leads.