Watching people fight it out in the comment section on articles about consent/the MeToo movement in general, breaks my heart.
I was lonely. How do you push someone away when they aren’t respecting your “no” when you’re that lonely?
I could now. I do now. Glad we’re having the conversation, but people need to stop being f***ing jerks.
I get why people do drugs.
On day two of meditation, and it is so so so hard to get out of my head.
Not to mention, true creative thought.
People who are able to tap into a state of creative flow are indistinguishable from people under the influence.
We were running down the street, snow and ice, negative temperatures. Throwing each other around, you lead (as in the metal) me blind, I carried you. I said people would think we were on drugs and you said, “yeah but the really awesome thing is, we’re not”.
I crave awareness and authenticity and I think I finally know the first step in looking for it.
Something is crystallizing. Here we go 2018.
“Do you dance?”
I mean to say… does the music punch you full in the face, leave you breathing hard, your neurons singed like you’ve been struck by lightning..
Does the elastic canvas of your body birth itself like the ocean in a hurricane
How is your relationship with gravity?
Maybe no one can trust me as much as I trusted you
always thought gravity was a ride-or-die,
but I hear the earth is flat now, so…
There was a clock in a formerly well-used room
7 year paper trail stapled to the wall
on how to wind it
I guess it’s still there
handcuffed to your highs and lows
useless heirloom marking time on an altar of obsolescence
Exhausted. Quiet sobbing because it’s four AM here and I don’t want to wake anyone up. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the best course of action is.
My head hurts.
My lawyer isn’t returning my messages. I’m starting to doubt her judgement in general.
I guess.. I guess we should apply for the K1 visa again, and just hope it goes through this time. Another 5-8 months or more of waiting. Him in the most polluted city in the world. Maybe I should move to India just to lower my life expectancy to his… or just start chain smoking.
I’m jealous of every single person who gets to live in the same city as the one that they love. I’m jealous of every single person that gets to live in the same country as the one that they love. I’m jealous of every single person who dates someone from a country with a high life expectancy. I’m burning up with hopelessness, reduced to screaming into my pillow.
I don’t know how to do this anymore.
Not having my parents’ support of our relationship hurts.
I miss him all the time. I’m in India right now and I’m already missing him. I have to be at the airport in less than 24 hours.
How do you tell someone
I liked you better when we first met.
Your neck chained up in the costume jewelry of arrogance, I can remember clear collarbones of naivety, the future a bright jewel in your eyes.
I won’t say your chains are beautiful
they are all that is reflected,
what is your pedestal built of
(I miss your feet in the mud with mine)
One can avoid arrogance while sloughing off naivety. Wish you could have.
Also, speaking of people who aren’t arrogant and deserve better. His visa got denied on false grounds. Not sure how to go about dealing with this. If they aren’t going to follow the rule of law then what’s the point?
Government people… THIS is why people sneak into the U.S. This shit is freaking difficult.
Sometimes I get weirdly cocky about my mental breakdown, like yeah I did battle with my brain and walked away wiping blood off my sword, sewing up my scalp with a dirty needle. I WON.
As we celebrate my 6 year crazy-versary (started yesterday, got all those weird status updates in my In-This-Day on facebook), here’s some music way more calm than I was six years ago. Most music would fit that description.
I think we got the Fiance visa. I’m bout to go to India… and maybe… maybe I’ll be bringing him back with me. Will know for sure tomorrow or at the latest, next week.
I hope. I hope. I can’t bring myself to dare to hope, but I still do. I want him here so bad. Thought he would be here… 5 months ago. Is this real..
A map of my brain:
pointless things here and there, the visual tour of
the establishment of an anti-minimalist
Doubt and Certainty performing above the kitchen sink,
delicate acrobats hanging by a fraying cord.
a glass smashed in anger, stage left.
Architecture: manifest hypothetical futures
what was first a mansion,
now looks a shack,
near to collapse.
Could watch with stunned fascination from the
sidewalk as it catches fire
caution tape across my eyelids.