heaping bowl of thought processes.

This week has been filled with bad things.

I have to take a step back and realize:  I’m still in the same place I was yesterday, driving home from work, reading in bed, sampling my roommate’s cooking..

Nothing is fundamentally different.  Except I know things I didn’t.

How can I put my brain into the carefree state it used to be in?

I don’t want to get dependent on the future.  I want to depend on my present-day self to be happy.

Deep down I do believe people are only happy based on meaningful contact with those around them.  It’s hard for me to fathom someone that can perpetuate contentment or joy in their own brain, away from anyone else.   (But then again, didn’t books used to do that for me?  Why don’t they satisfy me now?)

I am happy when I’m being productive.. Maybe I’m just not busy enough?   I was enjoying myself today at work for instance, until I received a very lucrative email which communicated to me that I may have lost 800+ dollars.

If you want to sell a couple things, please NEVER use ebay.  You can’t get your money for 90 days, or until you sell 25 items worth at least $250 all together. 

I just wanted to sell my camera.

BASICALLY.  If it weren’t for money, I don’t think I’d ever be unhappy.

also long distance relationships could possibly put you in the hospital.  Think about it. 

In a flash of clarity I almost convince myself it’s (i.e. everything is) because of the weather, just like that doctor once tried to tell me but I immediately reject the idea (not as fast as I did then,  but still).

There’s too much chaos for me to be comfortable.  Too much unknown but vaguely thunder-cloud looking, foreboding/that-kinda-gray darkness.

I can hear the ominous music.

Like I’m juggling sharp things and wouldn’t you know it

GRAVITY kicks in so hard I’m seeing through a red curtain.

slasher-style.

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I couldn’t really “BASICALLY” this.  Sometimes all-caps are not enough to neaten a churning brain.

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hum.

gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous

 The problem with being at the top of the mountain is you can only go down.  The view literally cannot get better for me right now… not without a total loss of control (but now I’m just being obscure).  I would tell anyone the details of my “troubled past” (as he calls it)  but I am so hesitant to put it out there on the internet.

Things are really freaking good and this just can’t last.  What kinda sorcery would let me be this happy forever?

Notoriety

“That is the simple secret of happiness. Whatever you are doing, don’t let past move your mind; don’t let future disturb you. Because the past is no more, and the future is not yet. To live in the memories, to live in the imagination, is to live in the non-existential. And when you are living in the non-existential, you are missing that which is existential. Naturally you will be miserable, because you will miss your whole life.”
-Osho

————–
I got into a dance-off with a Thai native. Then it started raining like crazy and we were the only two people in the street, (much less dancing) while everyone huddled around in bars trying to stay dry… Then my Colombian friend came out to dance with us (she’s dipping me, here)

One by one, more people joined us, till it was this crazy rain-dance party. Amazing.