heaping bowl of thought processes.

This week has been filled with bad things.

I have to take a step back and realize:  I’m still in the same place I was yesterday, driving home from work, reading in bed, sampling my roommate’s cooking..

Nothing is fundamentally different.  Except I know things I didn’t.

How can I put my brain into the carefree state it used to be in?

I don’t want to get dependent on the future.  I want to depend on my present-day self to be happy.

Deep down I do believe people are only happy based on meaningful contact with those around them.  It’s hard for me to fathom someone that can perpetuate contentment or joy in their own brain, away from anyone else.   (But then again, didn’t books used to do that for me?  Why don’t they satisfy me now?)

I am happy when I’m being productive.. Maybe I’m just not busy enough?   I was enjoying myself today at work for instance, until I received a very lucrative email which communicated to me that I may have lost 800+ dollars.

If you want to sell a couple things, please NEVER use ebay.  You can’t get your money for 90 days, or until you sell 25 items worth at least $250 all together. 

I just wanted to sell my camera.

BASICALLY.  If it weren’t for money, I don’t think I’d ever be unhappy.

also long distance relationships could possibly put you in the hospital.  Think about it. 

In a flash of clarity I almost convince myself it’s (i.e. everything is) because of the weather, just like that doctor once tried to tell me but I immediately reject the idea (not as fast as I did then,  but still).

There’s too much chaos for me to be comfortable.  Too much unknown but vaguely thunder-cloud looking, foreboding/that-kinda-gray darkness.

I can hear the ominous music.

Like I’m juggling sharp things and wouldn’t you know it

GRAVITY kicks in so hard I’m seeing through a red curtain.

slasher-style.

________________________________

I couldn’t really “BASICALLY” this.  Sometimes all-caps are not enough to neaten a churning brain.

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I was stress-eating at work today.  It’s been a long time since I’ve done that.  I lost count of everything I shoved into my fat face.

I have not chosen the easy way out. 

Something is drawing together, muscles are stretching, some spring is coiling up….

 Future: please be kind to me.

Delhi + Agra

Alright so. Delhi.

It’s been about a month since I got back, so this is long overdue.

There are some very rich and opulent areas of Delhi.  I didn’t take pictures of those places, because a mall is a mall is a mall right?  We have those in America too.  Here are the things that you might be interested in seeing.

This picture is quite misleading.  Usually the people that go to Dilli Haat (market) are mostly tourists, so this is the place where everything is expensive for the white people.  It’s got nice stuff though.

 I love saris.  I just wanted to take pictures of every woman in traditional dress, love the clothing in India so much.  (Although a lot of western wear as compared to other regions.)

 Me, in the preliminaries of learning Hindi script.  Took me less than a week I’m proud to say.

 A Muslim tomb (wish I could remember which one).

 Most accurate picture I took.  One word to use for Delhi:  crowded.  That’s it.  Ayya can’t remember which market this was.  I’ll edit this when I find out.

 Boutique.

 India Gate.  People go here to walk around and picnic.  Not really my thing, but then again neither was the Eiffel Tower so there you go.

 Time to Baaaaargaiiiiiiin.

 Quitab Minar ruins!  Islamic architecture, very intricate carvings.

 On our way to Agra, to see the Taj Mahal.  The fog was eerie. 

I believe this last picture is from the Red Fort, but don’t quote me on that.

you got that dangerous love

It blows my mind when I manage to get a good night of dancing in downtown Fargo.  Went hard in the O.B., at the Pickled Parrot, AND got one dollar margaritas in Vinyl Taco (That’s every Friday till midnight I believe).  Also went out with my brother which NEVER happens anymore. 

So’s you know, I’m definitely gonna judge you if you go to the dance floor and just stand there.

And I know you’re just staring at me because you’re too boring to get out there and lose your mind.  BORING.

Stay Shook.

Recently finished reading “Saints and Madmen” by Russell Shorto.

Basically asks the question, why is something considered a mystical spiritual experience in some places…. and a psychotic episode in America / the Western world ? (and how do we change that?)

Very very interesting.  Apparently there was a revolution to look at psychiatry through a more spiritual lens at one time, but I gotta tell you when I was in the hospital that was CERTAINLY not the case. 

Also the book delves into the topic of psychedelic drugs as well.

Always find myself thinking of Rumi, when it comes to madness as a religious experience.  Here is one for you.

Shreds of Steam

 Light again, and the one who brings light.
Change the way you live.

From the ocean-vat, wine-fire in each cup.
Two or three of the long-dead wake up.
Two or three drunks become lion hunters.

Sunlight washes a dark face.
The flower of what is true opens in the face.
Meadow grass and garden ground grow damp again.
A strong light like fingers massages our heads.
No dividing these fingers from those.

Draw back the lockbolt.
One level flows into another.
Heat seeps into everything.
The passionate pots boil.
Clothing tears inot the air.
Poets fume shreds of steam,
never so happy as out in the light.

vday

Sometimes.

Just don’t know if I can do it.

I want to sleep, to crawl in bed and not come out until he comes back to me, back here with me where he belongs.

Something cruel did this.

I need.

Alone alone alone.  Alone in bed, alone in my house, I cook my meals alone, I eat alone, I sleep alone.

7,000 miles.

shit. 😦

laser

I want to get to that place
that sweetspot where I’m
drunk on music

halfway between tipsy and
passing out

trailing light from

crushed up glass
as the disco-balled
past splinters
from the lightshine

remember
awash in that ocean of
sound

bottomless abyss of
nerves and
joy.

god I feel bad for people who don’t dance.  My dad doesn’t even like music

(so how could I possibly listen to his advice on who I should and (mostly) shouldn’t marry?)

Sammy J & Randy

So I showed this to my friends, and they just kinda stared blankly.   Originally my brother showed it to me and we laughed like hyenas soooooo….. Does anyone else have this sense of humor?  I think this thing is hilarious but dang maybe I just have an odd eye for funny.