Tonight is making a meal of my brain

Exhausted.  Quiet sobbing because it’s four AM here and I don’t want to wake anyone up.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what the best course of action is.

My head hurts.

My lawyer isn’t returning my messages.  I’m starting to doubt her judgement in general.

I guess.. I guess we should apply for the K1 visa again, and just hope it goes through this time.  Another 5-8 months or more of waiting.  Him in the most polluted city in the world.  Maybe I should move to India just to lower my life expectancy to his… or just start chain smoking.

I’m jealous of every single person who gets to live in the same city as the one that they love.  I’m jealous of every single person that gets to live in the same country as the one that they love.  I’m jealous of every single person who dates someone from a country with a high life expectancy.  I’m burning up with hopelessness, reduced to screaming into my pillow.

I don’t know how to do this anymore.

Not having my parents’ support of our relationship hurts.

I miss him all the time.  I’m in India right now and I’m already missing him.  I have to be at the airport in less than 24 hours.



How do you tell someone

I liked you better when we first met.

Your neck chained up in the costume jewelry of arrogance, I can remember clear collarbones of naivety, the future a bright jewel in your eyes.

can’t learn to appreciate what keeps me from seeing your soul, regardless of architecture

what is your pedestal built of

(I miss your feet in the mud with mine)

Post Script:

One can avoid arrogance while sloughing off naivety.  Wish you could have.

Also, speaking of people who aren’t arrogant and deserve better.  His visa got denied on false grounds.  Not sure how to go about dealing with this.  If they aren’t going to follow the rule of law then what’s the point?

Government people… THIS is why people sneak into the U.S.  This shit is freaking difficult.