What to Expect as a Human Guinea Pig

Personal Update: Learning how to have the conversations that give me the anxious-shakes, like an airplane ride through turbulence, at least you get somewhere.

What I mean is I have an appointment with an immigration lawyer. Go time.

SpeaKING of anxious shakes, I am currently in a clinical trial. They’re testing fentanyl patches on us, with a side of naltrexone to take the edge off. Like when you drink milk because you can’t handle spicy food. Except usually no one pays you 2000 dollars to eat wings and drink milk.  5 days stay – in, then a couple days off, then 5 more days.  Finished the first half, and I get out Wednesday.  I flipping HATE the pharmaceutical industry but I gotta get that money.  Truly a sell out.


Uncomfortable beds.  Every six hours someone makes us come out to check our patches.


Eating in dentist chairs is very odd.


By the third or fourth day things started getting out of hand.  These words all made perfect sense to us.  (Anarved is the same as unafraid, etc.)  We very clearly needed to get out ASAP.


This was the outcome to speed.  Notice how we both had the same cards at the end.  My other friend and I played rock/paper/scissors over and over and we just kept tying.  This place is melding our brains together.


So much time.  Taking my Hindi to the next level.  Also brought 7 books which turned out to be too many.


Horror movie waiting to happen.

If you’re interested in these kinds of things you might try centerwatch.com  or if you’re in Fargo specifically we have algorithme pharma, novum, and axis clinicals that shouldn’t be too hard to find online.

These meds….when I’m trying to sleep I can just hear my heart pounding, most recently to this song:




I was going to post some pictures from India, but they are either of the beach (Goa) or random things that aren’t picturesque.  The only sight-seeingish thing I did was go to Amritsar, Punjab.  The best thing I did while in India, because before this the only thing I knew about Sikhs was that they wear turbans. My Punjabi friend told me that the prime moral directive for Sikhs is to feed people. So if you ever stay with a family there you will be stuffed beyond belief. I had to start refusing every other meal because I was eating… I think 10 times a day.


These are from the Golden Temple (Gurdwara)..IMG_5350


People in line to see the Holy book…The Guru Granth Sahib… Technically (from what I understand) the book is worshiped as the final Guru.  I think.  There were ten Gurus before that.



Sikhs believe in a universal God, who is the same for every religion.


That silver caterpillar is a pile of plates. Gurdwaras feed everyone regardless of caste/sex/ whatever.  The Golden Temple serves food almost 24 hours a day, sometimes to as many as 100,000 people.  Everyone sits on the ground to show that everyone is equal.  Sikhs were big advocates of getting rid of the caste system.


People getting served from a huge vat of tea.  Oh you can’t wear shoes and you must keep your head covered.  Everyone who maintains and works at the temple does so on a volunteer basis. 


THAT TEA.  Best thing I’ve ever tasted. 

I didn’t want to be THAT GUY taking pictures like I’m at the freaking zoo, when this is a serious and solemn place. But I just tried to be surreptitious and respectful. I got pamphlets because the religion is just… more people should learn about it.

I hope I didn’t get any facts wrong, feel free to correct me.

Holla at me if you got latent emo tendencies

I was spitting nails before we fell into it, maybe I still am.  Have you ever seen someone die from a nail gun?  There isn’t anywhere horror movies won’t go but we both know
you don’t watch them so..

I have a past that still isn’t house trained, you dare to let him uncaged?

I have too many teeth for you.   Not like pearls still suckling on the oyster,
like whatever ends up killing you in your sleep,
like a gift from an enemy – the way he smiles when he rings the doorbell,
like waking up to discover all the trees are gone, the way the sun laughs at you then.

Just exactly like how angry God gets at you when you only pray to him during airplane turbulence, or when your aunt gets cancer.

It’s okay.

It’s okay.
no, these teeth are mine, all mine.  Unholy mess of chaos, it’s too much to ask you to stay for the ending.

Trapped in each others gravity, too selfish to let you go, too selfish by



Yo I don’t even care WHAT this is, I haven’t written anything in MONTHS. I mean anything from that deep subconscious everything-terrifies me realm. you know.

Kya main bolu?

Things.  Apparently I can’t blog unless I have a full size keyboard.  Mini bluetooth keyboard simply will not do.  Which is why you know almost nothing about what went on during my India trip.

I’m in the U.S. now.  I experienced a searing sensation of panic when I was saying goodbye to him in the airport (a large cluster of Indians watched us in obvious amusement as I clung to him).

Panic has given way to numbness.

I want to blog, I do. I want to do other things, like study Hindi, but most of what I have done is scroll through my facebook feed.  Read some books though, so it’s not all bad.

Being alone again is difficult.  Thought it would take longer for Fargo to utterly bore me but nah.


Whatever. My life’s not that hard.  Doesn’t make me feel better though.