general guidance for myself

this is the result of
chasing shiny things like a demented
crow and
open your head open your head your head let out the
jealous stuttering
child, kicking at mirrors and
throwing fits (you
wretchedly)

stop,

this isn’t anything you want
and you know you always end up
hating
(oh that word’s a reputation killer)
nine tenths of what you can’t have
(careless, care less, and anyways, most things
are)

birds have more self control
perhaps and
rhythm

I’ve been there, caged/uncaged
but now I settle for stripes
and leave the feathers to the
drag queens

here it is
nothing worth having
comes easy

nothing worth having
comes at all
—-
so I was feeling sad-ish because I couldn’t have what I wanted to have but hey! there’s a few billion other fish in this crazy pond and
I just had the best day ever.  love Fargo.  love swing-sets, the river, and snowball fights when everything’s melting.  Also I realized that I overthink my writing wayyy too much.  I need to just let it spill out in an obscure mess because that’s when I end up liking it the most.  I edit and edit and edit which kind of kills it.  This one I like though.
and here is some slug for you:

“and if she has the nerve to let me drop a couple last words, I’ma turn to the earth and scream
Love Your Life”

-Slug

listening to emo music from my childhood.  take a gander (listen?)

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presents

along the brittle treacherous bright streets
of memory comes my heart,singing like
an idiot,whispering like a drunken man
-ee cummings

and here:

Most of us have love in our lives. Most of us love other people and are ourselves loved by others.
But make no mistake: you are alone in the world. You were born alone, even if you were born conjoined. And you die alone, unable to bring a single person with you.
Self-pity means waiting for that man with the glass slipper that perfectly fits your foot to knock on your door. Self-pity is waiting to be bottle-fed your dinner.

-Augusten Burroughs

annnnnnd my last gift for you today (this is what I sing to my old people):

I know I’m not what you anticipated

So today for my Intro to Education Class I had to observe a middle school class being taught. It’s been around 6 years since I’ve been in middle school and it was REALLY interesting to see what has changed.  I know I was an exceptionally awkward child… but even so…. these girls are like extremely skinny, short sorority girls!  Seriously!  They’ve got that perfect California bleached blond hair going on… and they know how to use makeup.  When I was in eighth grade I crayoned on so much black eyeliner on I looked like Helena Bonham Carter in Sweeney Todd.  Actually probably even worse…

I watched a kid literally EAT his pencil which was pretty fun.  And some kid exclaimed loudly, “I’m NOT a kid!  I’m a preteen!”  which was mildly hilarious to me.  I can almost remember being proud of my preteen status way back in the day.   actually come on… this kid was in eighth grade!  aren’t you a teenager at that age?  13 at least?  I am confused. anyways.

here is something for you.  happy halloween

Warning!  I love Kate Nash but I HATE this video.  Freaks me out.   It seemed appropriate for Halloween though so have at it.

i wish i was a photograph

do you remember the night I told you
I’ve never seen anything more perfect than
than snow falling in the glow of a street light
electricity bowing to nature
mind bowing to heartbeat
‘this is gonna hurt’
bowing to I love you
I still love you like moons love the planets
they circle around
like children love recess bells
I still hear the sound of you
and think of playgrounds
where outcasts who stutter
beneath braces and bruises and acne
are finally learning that their
rich handsome bullies
are never gonna grow up to be happy

I think of happy when I think of you”
-Andrea Gibson

Good Morning

I couldn’t touch you without ruining you,
so I didn’t touch you at all.

It’s when you’re on the brink of something
that you lose your balance.
You told me that once.
When I can’t bring myself to say what I need to,
my heart plays Russian Roulette with my throat.
I swear I fired that night, but, nothing.

Someday, I’ll show you the bullet I had for you,
after time has done the wash.
I’ll take it out of the jar of missed opportunities.
We’ll hold it up to the light.
You’ll roll it around your mouth like a fallen tooth.
You won’t forgive me exactly,
but we’ll laugh about how small it is.
We’ll wonder how such a little thing
could ever have meant so much

-All I Had to Say for Myself, Mindy Nettifee

wooooh Portuguese Narration!  why? No clue.