Man I really MISS being able to write.  I really just don’t anymore and that is so sad.  Anyways I read through all my journals from college (except the last year) and dang.  I miss writing.

Here is something 3 years old.  So glad I finally found someone worth being a happy lovestruck idiot for.


For some people love means never being alone on Valentines day, maiming hearts into trees with pocketknives. For me love is this unattainable gold pot at the end of a rainbow tangled with hints of particularly putrid shades of browns and greens, you know, like a couch from the seventies… this is for all the ugly sofas in my life, you know who you are.  This is for the the end I’m still waiting for even though I’m pretty sure it’s probably a myth or at least guarded by a heavily armored leprechaun named commitment-phobia

This is for everyone who taught me what love isn’t.

For every misstep on the ladder to happiness that left me with skinned knees and metaphorically knocked out teeth and for every time I doggedly struggled my way back up. I’ve lived my life like a romantic sitcom, dining on cliche-ridden late nights and so many cheesy pickup lines I give thanks to Cupid every day that I’m not lactose intolerant.

This is for all the men I can’t have, won’t have, have had, or taste bad. This is for all the Indians who won’t date me because I’m not what an arranged marriage looks like, and this is for when I told you I didn’t want to marry you anyways and I think that was probably the clearest definition of sour grapes that I’ve ever smashed into wine. This is for your mistaken notion that you are allowed to friendzone me two days after I cook for you.

This is for the oh-em-gee preteen-style butterflies that grew legs and feet and began to brutally kick at my heart instead of flutter. Every over-dramatic, he’s-so-bad-for-me and all the good advice I ignored. I still can’t stomach bitterness, I front like I’m a jaded skeptic but I can never quite pass as one, I will always be the happy lovestruck idiot in the room.

I’ve pretended I’m not being manipulated for so long that it’s started to not matter either way.  I still refuse to believe those compliments were scripted even with his teleprompter smiles still echoing through my brain like the first time I realized that all my grandmother’s decorative fruit was really just plastic. My veins pulse to the tune of every lie I can’t let go of, starting with when you told me you’d always be around, waiting, like your heart was just gonna lie around on a shelf with the Christmas decorations until I felt like picking it up again.

This is for hearts that refuse to give up, catch up, or shut up. This is for the delirious crash and burn I’ve been chasing since before you met me. This is for the one who stuck around even when I wouldn’t sleep with him and just kept saying “BAM, pregnant” whenever he mentioned it.

This is for love, real and imagined. Well in my case pretty much always imagined. This is for those of us too stupid to tell the difference, rocking enough poor judgment to fill a hallmark card store. This is for mistakes and refusing to acknowledge or learn from them.

This is for the the hook line and sinker crowd.

This is for living, life, flammability, and the pursuit.

Stumble on.

Tuesday Free Stuff

I recently found a coupon for this thing called “graze”.  Basically the company sends you snacks based on your taste preferences.  I was just going to use the coupon to get a free box and then quit, but when I tried to cancel my subscription they gave me another half off my next box so I’ll keep the service around one more week heheheh. (Not sure if I played them, or they played me, but the snacks are good so oh well).

Check it out at (two free boxes with code AMYB96K3B)

OTHER FREE STUFF I CAN OFFER YOU.  These three things are what I use all the time while traveling.  I can’t even imagine not having these apps at my beck and call.

Taxi Services:

Uber  Use this code for $15 off your first ride : amyb1731

Lyft  Use this code for $20 (I believe) off first ride: AMY464498

ANNNND my last offer is for $20 off for travel with airbnb with this link (click through the actual link for the discount):

Also this song.  Which is also free.


Because whatever like I’m chill you know

Agreed to meet up with “the dude who once broke into my house” today. The following excerpt illustrates very neatly one of the many reasons why it never would have worked out between us, before he ever sat outside my door for a half hour incessantly calling and knocking.

Me:  You were such an A**hole to her.

Him:  But I was never an a**hole to YOU.

This is a problem.

You have to be kind.

You don’t get to decide some people are worth kindness and others aren’t.   just. be kind.  It doesn’t make you a good person because you’re nice to your friends (or to women you want to sleep with).  Everybody does that.

Because I do not allow s***y people in my life

(edited from using stronger language, I know some of y’all are not about that life, I got you, see those asterisks?)

Anyways it was a terrible conversation and eventually I just said  “You know what, I’m going to the bathroom I hope you’re gone when I get back.”

BAM.  I do have nice dramatic exit lines with him.  Four years later I still got it.

People are asking me why I would even consider meeting up with him and my answer to that is as follows: because I knew it would be interesting.  And it was.  It did get old pretty fast though.  He’s an arrogant pile that is convinced he thinks deeper than everyone around him, so nothing has really changed.  Makes me appreciate the man I’m with even more.



Let other people educate you

If I see ONE MORE POST about how we must “keep refugees out to keep our families safe” I will LOSE IT.

This world is an awful, cruel place.

Lets try to make it less so.

Read this:  here

Also an exerpt from this status:

“When I was a kid I used to wonder why we let the Holocaust happen. Why we refused to allow Jewish refugees to come to America. But over the years I learned. When a Kuwaiti refugee family moved in down the street from me in middle school, I heard neighbors call the father a towelhead and a sandnigger, and I discovered that people were sometimes mean to people who were different. A couple of years ago, when desperate children came streaming across the border in search of a better life, I heard people call them vermin who would bring us diseases–and I discovered that some people can look at hungry children and see a problem that’s not quite a human being. 

And now, when there are Syrian refugees in one of the worst humanitarian crises I have ever seen, I am discovering that some people are letting fear rule over all common sense or love. This is the simplest case of WWJD that I have ever seen, and we are all failing it utterly. So, 10-year-old Heather, that’s how we let a Holocaust happen: we look at a group of people in need and we sneer at them for being too different, we dehumanize them, and we fear the possibility that they could hurt us. By, oh, I don’t know. Shooting up a movie theatre. Or an elementary school. Or a college campus. Or a government building in Oklahoma. Something like that. And then we pick and choose Bible verses and tell ourselves it’s smart to defend your family from evil. We skip the ones about loving our neighbor and not living in a spirit of fear.”


I can measure my happiness by two things:  My nails and my dreams. 

Short nails mean stress (because I’ve bitten them down).  Long nails mean contentment. 

Bad dreams mean my life is going super freaking well.  Good dreams mean I’m probably going through a bad time.

My dreams balance me out in a big way.  They keep my (alleged) bipolar from getting the best of me.

Seriously when do I get to say I’m not bipolar anymore?  It’s been four years. 

Well it will be on Thanksgiving when I get to celebrate my four year crazi-versary.  Hah.

Hit up this youtube channel…for-real the BEST MUSIC.  MrSuicideSleep.  Or you can just follow along as I only plan to post songs from there for the forseeable future.

Letting go of Control

This blog post: In Defense of Letting Kids Talk Back is applicable to so many areas of my life and I ain’t even child-rearing yet.

It’s hard to not exert your will over others, if not through outright ordering, then through coercion and manipulation. Sometimes I just really really want one of my friends to go to some event or class with me, something they’re not that into but I just know would be so fun for them.

I need to work on letting other people say no and letting that be enough.

Something from the comments:  “Not allowing people to say no in everyday life is basically erasing them as people.” – Speedwell.

Feel that so hard.    My parents didn’t discuss.  Their word was law.  I was a bratty kid. I always complained, argued, refused.  That wasn’t… um… that wasn’t encouraged.

And look at me now! Refusing alcohol and drugs on the regular! (Well usually just alcohol).  There was this guy I stayed with (my first couchsurfing experience actually) and he kept insisting that he had bought wine specifically for my visit so I had to drink it.  I explained why I don’t drink, I said thanks, but it will just be wasted on me since I won’t enjoy it, but he would not respect that.  In the end I took a glass, waited until he left the room for a minute, then dumped it down the drain.

People like this are one giant red flag.  Which is why I need to learn to not accept this behavior from others including and especially myself. Be the friend you want to see in the world, and all that.

I keep learning more about how awesome and important consent is.  Love it.

Found this song.. Somehow reminds me of the Postal Service.

love in all caps

Sometimes people just need to be looked in the face and made to feel real.

Love the old people.  Think I get more real every day from working there.

Also currently trying to learn this dance.

Tutorial: HERE (It’s only for the first minute or so of the video)

Go. Brain spew.

I stayed in the town you’re supposed to leave when you graduate.  I’m still here. Surrounded by college kids, so, so, out of place.

I know it’s in my power to leave.  Got excuses, but let’s be serious, there’s nothing real keeping me here.

Most of the people I am comfortable with have been gone for a long time.

I feel so lonely sometimes. 

I miss the hardcore talks.  What can I do?  Trust does take time to build up, or maybe it’s just chance that you’ll meet anyone you can give your brain to and know it won’t get regurgitated up backwards.  GET ME.  Just, understand… I feel like I’m on the moon desperately sending my radio signals into the expanse of nothingness.  Hear. Me.  It’s this dance when you meet new people, not unlike flirting but how long does it take to get below surface talk.    How do I take you there without making you crazy.  This is why people do drugs together.  Smoke together.  I HATE the inanities of small talk… that hasn’t changed.

I used to really use getting physical as a way to get behind all the boring I-don’t-know-you-yet crap.  Easy for me to realize that now that I am celibate by long distance.

Ayya he should be here making everything better.

(I should know. How to make everything better for myself. )