28

Was talking with my previous roommate and she asked me if I’ve ever thought about going back to school…  Basically the conversation turned into me justifying my decision to stay in Fargo and work as a CNA.

I’m happy.  I get to take vacations whenever I want, for months at a time.  How many people get to do that?  I couldn’t do the five days a week, two  weeks a year off thing.  I just couldn’t. 

We started talking about the summer and how worried she was that I was becoming depressed then… Honestly I had forgotten all about it.  I was sad this summer. I can’t believe I forgot about that. 

So now I’m thinking too much, trying to figure out why specifically I was so out of it this summer.  Maybe because I didn’t take any solo trips.  Maybe because I didn’t have my own room, or because people kept canceling on me when I tried to make plans. 

Or maybe my brain is just that way.  Sends me down into the abyss sometimes.  It’s okay though.  I can always see the light up there.

Hmm.  Don’t know.

Vacation is a word that means work.

When I did my laundry yesterday I didn’t wash any actual clothes.  Only scrubs.  I have dreams almost exclusively about my residents.  Also had a dream that my elderly Arabic coworker borrowed my favorite scrub top and wrote “This belongs to Amy” in pen down the front so he’d remember to return it to me.   (I was surprised both that he had it without my knowledge and that he’d managed to fit into it, while at the same time not surprised at all at the fact that he’d want to wear a woman’s scrub top).

I worry that this job will kill my back and I’ll be hunched over trying to help people while bent in half.

 I don’t know if I can be a CNA for the rest of my life.

A degree in University Studies is probably pretty freaking useless.

Good things:

Holiday Pay.
Overtime Pay.
I keep overhearing people saying nice things about me, because elderly folk are bad at judging how well I can hear them.

saltwater

it took decades
to sharpen your spine
into something that
doesn’t crack on the
high notes

now surrounded by
 eight octaves of pain
through the crescendo of a
phone call

(her daughter is in a coma, it would not be
prudent to
even
visit
stay home
they say

stay
home)

you don’t abandon ship,
leave her to cry alone

you don’t even
flinch

—-
I have only developed a few immunities.  It’s mostly that I wince.  I wince and I try not to let anyone see that things still hit me hard, even after being in this job for over half a decade.  I believe in the power of back rubs. I hold hands with old ladies (and old men for that matter) because being alone is shitty.  Falling asleep by yourself, alone, can be downright awful, especially when you aren’t completely sure how long you are going to be around, or who might be there in the morning to help you get up.

Also everyone should watch the netflix original drama “Derek”.  That show is golden.

yeh.

Conversation at work with an old man

Him:  How old do you think I am?
Me: I don’t know… 25?
Him: (laughs)  I’m ninety eight
Me: WOW, well then you’re doing pretty good!
Him:  Yup, my wife and I have been married for sixty-nine years.
Me:  … how old do you think I am?
Him:  (stares me up and down) Twenties?
Me:  Yup I’m 21.
Him:  So you’re not married hmm?
Me: Heck no.  I call that ‘The Trap’
Him:  (laughs delightedly)

———

so decided to take a 2 AM trip to Detroit Lakes with  my friend… but ten minutes out of Fargo he says, “hey have you ever been to Buffalo State Park?”  and I was thinking the stars would  be amazing so I begged him to take me there instead.

And I was right, the stars were phenomenal to the point where I could not stop smiling.  The weather was perfect.  No wind, very few mosquitoes, and warm enough with the blanket I brought.  Glad I didn’t just go to bed like I had intended.

“In fact, I am aware of the fake entities in my life.
I know that I can clear
them if I wanted to in a moment …
But all this hollowness needs my sincerity.”

-Rumi