17

But if love is true, then the tide will carry mine to… You know I’d drown in the undercurrent before I let myself lose our happy ending.

It’s the future I miss the most.

Seventeen years from now, I want to be younger, and as carefree as I can be. I want you next to me and I want you to reflect all of the best of me.

-Levi the Poet

Advertisements

babes of my life

was looking for a good example of dancehall music, and I’m not sure if this exactly fits the bill, but let me know if you got something better ❤

I’m in a super good mood because I think I’m going to buy a car today.

I have a Buick park avenue that’s 24 years old, AC doesn’t work, cruise control doesn’t work, I’ve glued one of the side mirrors back on, the left side is crunched in a little (although that doesn’t bother me much)  Key won’t open the drivers side door anymore, trunk doesn’t always close properly, it’s too long to parallel park. etc. etc.

eha;llsgdkj I’m so excited.  Looking at a 2012 Yaris, with some hail damage to make it cheaper.

ugh.

Excerpt from the 2016 GOP platform:

 

We renew our call for replacing “family planning” programs for teens with sexual risk avoidance education that sets abstinence until marriage as the responsible and respected standard of behavior. That approach — the only one always effective against premarital pregnancy and sexually-transmitted disease — empowers teens to achieve optimal health outcomes.

I’m freaking done.  This is absolute bulls**t of the highest order.

Abstinence-only education does NOT make teens any more likely to abstain from sex. It does, however, make them more likely to have STUPID sex without any protection.
 
The decline in the abortion rate is largely due to “dramatic improvements in contraceptive use”..
 
Science is your friend. Don’t parent without it.  Don’t run government programs without it.

what does communication mean to you

want to connect with someone on a visceral, gray matter-of-abyss level.

I wanna feel like my brain just pulled a muscle when we get done here, I want to have unavoidably strange dreams, like

(is this real?)

What scares you most, do you feel like you disappoint your parents, do you ever let yourself be deprived of entertainment, can you be comfortable with that most basic kind of empty…

Do you feel like you’re constantly distracting yourself from death and loneliness?  Well I wanna do that with you.  Let’s evade the human condition slash wallow in it.

I’m all ears and face, hit me with something to knock me dead.

 

water

the stone of
help:
shoulderblades quiet,
winter arriving late
while we were still
complaining about
summer

when the flowers freeze and die, the
weeds
do
too.

the moon is always cold
take it for your future
or
past

even after all senses are nearly dead
ocean tears
still salty

eyelids,
sweet.

______________

reality is only as good as the glass it’s seen through

There was this lady I used to care for who was convinced her daughter-in-law was stealing money from her, and one day she was getting louder and louder, just all-out angry rage-venting.  All these nurses kept telling her, in essence, “don’t be silly”.

Which is an incredibly stupid thing to say to someone.  All she wanted was to complain for a while to someone about her daughter-in-law, be validated, and not feel like she was being treated like a small child.

Thomas Kitwood, patron saint of Nursing Homes (or he should be)… the first guy to put forth that maybe when a patient is looking for their husband and wants to go home, we shouldn’t say, “Your Husband DIED A LONG TIME AGO. You live HERE now.”

Seriously I HATE it when people get like that with old people.  This example is more malicious, but why would you make someone sad or angry when you could do the opposite?

 

There is some divide between caregiver and resident.  Some vast divide.  There should be a divide, certainly, but not to the extent where the people you take care of become more job than human.

Anyways, I’m thinking about all these things because I’ve been at orientation for my new job.  We’ll see how things are here, more of the same, or maybe the workers will be better educated on this stuff.

Was gratified to see their policy on expression of sexuality between residents is consent-based.  Nice.  Oh and they are super against proselytizing, despite being Lutheran, which is cool.

Oh! One of the speakers said in no uncertain terms YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO SOMEONE ELSE’S WORK FOR THEM JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE SLOW.  THANK YOU (Can I get an amen?).  Gah I swear, at my Fargo job, no matter how efficient and fast you were it made no difference…. they just made you do more work.  Sounds like it might be different here, I’m excited.

I leave you with a quote and a song.  Enjoy, my dear love-blumpies. (made that word up, blum-peas)

“It is conceivable that most of the advances that have been made in recent years might be obliterated, and that the state of affairs in 2010 might be as bad as it was in 1970, except that it would be varnished by eloquent mission statements, and masked by fine buildings and glossy brochures”

-Tom Kitwood Dementia Reconsidered p 133

Oh this song is apparently big in Italy this summer (Okay I know it was, I was just there.)

Literally.

It took an actual mental breakdown for me to start thinking about the Bible critically.

Didn’t change my beliefs at all until I was in the freaking mental hospital.

This verse is allegedly God’s instructions to Moses.

Leviticus 25:44-46New International Version (NIV)

44 “‘Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. 45 You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. 46 You can bequeath them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly.

This is why I get so a;lskdfjpewoij ANGRY when my parents insist on believing a literal interpretation of the Bible.  I remember being in the hospital, reading through the old testament, and I was absolutely horrified at what the Israelites were doing.  I remember telling myself, “God never told anyone this.  They were lying.” as I watched them kill all the women and children, except the virgins which they saved for themselves.  I was horrified on a visceral level, my whole body recoiled. Bear in mind, that I had read the Bible through cover-to-cover twice and I never saw anything wrong with these types of passages before.   When I told my mother about the Bible horrifying me like that, she hinted that it was the work of demons.   These demons mysteriously didn’t taint my reading of any of the Jesus parts of the Bible.   Hmm.

I’m supposed to believe that the supreme being of the universe wants me to marry my rapist.

I can’t understand how I was so blind before.  I was intelligent.  Don’t know how I swallowed that so long.  Was drilled into my brain I guess.  There are parts of the bible that are absolutely horrifying, and I am appalled that I was able take it all as real, logical, and infallible.

On many levels I think I needed a mental breakdown to stop being the self-righteous, sanctimonious bigot that I was.  Gah, sometimes my early behavior is absolutely mortifying.

I think I wrote a paper just before I went nuts on why being gay is unethical according to Utilitarianism.  Seriously.

If all it took was a {complete breakdown} and loss of reputation followed by six months of depression to make me into someone worth hanging out with then I count myself as lucky.

{So much in those brackets}.

So I really don’t know what’s coming.  Death and all, and what comes after.  I’m pretty chill with not knowing.   I believe in Love.  I’m still a big fan of Jesus, but I don’t need him to be real to live with compassion and kindness.   It does kinda hurt that my parents can’t be okay with that.

It’s disturbing to me that for some, the only measure for whether you failed as a parent is if your kid is going to hell.

Doesn’t matter if they are kind, loving, compassionate.  They don’t agree with the same doctrines you do, so you failed.

Glad my own children won’t have to deal with that expectation.

 

I think I left the faucet running

I’m getting too freaking heated discussing religion lately.  Made my mom cry.  I need to just let it go maybe but the inconsistencies are tearing me aPART, Lisa.

Probably because I watched the movie Spotlight on the way back from Europe.

And reading all of Slacktivist‘s posts…

This one really hit me.  Gah I hate Moses.  For real, is he the patron saint of sex slavery, because if not he should be.

Last night we went out to Kitty Kat Club.  Weird place, I love it.  Murder shoes was playing.  Was so sleep deprived, just stood there with my eyes shut drinking in the music.

This song.  Is so much.  Sometimes music just hits me, got me like “WHAT IS THIS WHAT IS IT WHAT WHAT WHAT.”  Till someone lets me know.   It’s Kizomba.

EDIT:  The song in question is Dj Radikal’s remix of Soap by Melanie Martinez.  Looks like the link has since been broken.

nicey nicey zoo zoo

So pumped to start my new job.   I can’t even enjoy life when I’m not working, feel on edge all the time.  Is that messed up?  Been working since I was 14.  Taking a summer off was off-putting.  Feel/felt useless.  Uhhhhhhhhhhh.

Should probably write some stuff about Europe. Let me see what I got.

 

ugh.  no.  I can’t say anything I’m too jet-lagged.

 

This song is relaxing.