Barometer

I can measure my happiness by two things:  My nails and my dreams. 

Short nails mean stress (because I’ve bitten them down).  Long nails mean contentment. 

Bad dreams mean my life is going super freaking well.  Good dreams mean I’m probably going through a bad time.

My dreams balance me out in a big way.  They keep my (alleged) bipolar from getting the best of me.

Seriously when do I get to say I’m not bipolar anymore?  It’s been four years. 

Well it will be on Thanksgiving when I get to celebrate my four year crazi-versary.  Hah.

Hit up this youtube channel…for-real the BEST MUSIC.  MrSuicideSleep.  Or you can just follow along as I only plan to post songs from there for the forseeable future.

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you got that dangerous love

It blows my mind when I manage to get a good night of dancing in downtown Fargo.  Went hard in the O.B., at the Pickled Parrot, AND got one dollar margaritas in Vinyl Taco (That’s every Friday till midnight I believe).  Also went out with my brother which NEVER happens anymore. 

So’s you know, I’m definitely gonna judge you if you go to the dance floor and just stand there.

And I know you’re just staring at me because you’re too boring to get out there and lose your mind.  BORING.

phoenix

There is a kind of humility only found in someone who has crashed and burned.

I’m talking really, really, crashed and burned, not a 2-day breakdown, but months/years of bottom-of-the-abyss dwelling.

Haven’t seen it too often, but I really really value that quality (maybe because I see it in myself).  Is it sort of a paradox to acknowledge your own humility? It’s definitely something I hope I can keep up/improve upon.  Pride is nasty.

In other news, I’ll be heading on over to the Sanford Mental Health Unit here in Fargo, to see if I can get a copy of my paperwork / record of my own personal crash-and-burn.  Should be interesting.

Have a song:


And Another:

Home

Something important about travel:

If you are staying with someone for a long time (i.e. more than 5 days)  don’t expect them to have your fun for you.
YOU have to research things that will be fun, and make sure you have a plan in place to execute them.
Sometimes your host will take it upon themselves to entertain you day in day out, but I have found that this is rarely the case.
Find a class for something you are interested in.  When I got bored and cooped up in Delhi, I researched language schools, and found a well-rated school to study Hindi at (Zabaan in Kailash Colony if you wanted to know).  If that wouldn’t have occupied my time I would have found dance classes, cooking classes, literally ANYTHING that would have kept me busy and enabled me to meet people.  Group classes are the best.
I did salsa classes all over Europe, since that’s something that I’m really into, and now I’m planning to go somewhere in South/Central America to learn Spanish this spring.  (Tryin’ for Cuba, but my parents aren’t so happy with that considering it’s technically illegal for me to go there.)
Okay anyways:

I’m back in Fargo.  Woke up this morning feeling like complete crap.  Long distance relationships are so hard (at least this one is).  Won’t be able to see him again for a year at least.  Ayya.  Anyways I got rid of a huge sack of clothes, and three small bags of books… hope to get rid of more stuff, lets see.

Here’s a song for you:  Kickstarts by Example.

Bailando

Sometimes I second guess myself.  Like maybe I’m taking the easy way out, instead of the terrifying adventure I should make of life.

This is the path I have chosen.  It’s going to be the best one, because I’ll make it the best one.  Gotta remind myself of that.

It’s pretty much going to be a terrifying adventure no matter what.
———————————————————————
I’m sure most of you have heard this song..They made a somewhat crappier “English” version because Americans aren’t allowed to have Spanish music on the radio apparently.  This is the original.  Although… there is a Portuguese version too, not sure in what order that came.

lifeboat

trying desperately to make my apartment look put-together.  Stumbling through all my boxes and various treasures that I packed up over two months ago..

—-
You: the room I run to during
tornado warnings,

highest point during
flood season,

the bloodbank
I frequent after

stabbings.

I am a  river slow-winding its way to the
ocean

home.
your lips taste of

salt.

dance upon the architecture


Man this breakup is not going so smoothly as I thought it would.  I can’t acknowledge the fact that I may have made a mistake.  Like I gave away my winning lottery ticket..

and I sent all those letters to myself in the future about him, gahhh what a bad choice.

worst place to meet people: The OB

This dude at the club tried to put his arm around my waist.

I moved away a little bit.

He tried again.

I pushed him away and said “BACK OFF.”

Then he started walking away and said, “you’re ugly anyways.” so I laughed all nasty in his face. HA HA HA (think santa claus, but different vowels).

He was so short I towered over him, which made the situation intensely comical.  Then ten minutes later he got thrown out of the place for fighting.  heh.

Arrogant dudes will never be hot to me. Not ever ever ever.

new birds

This makes me so happy-sad.   beautiful.

“She says she’s been going out with him now for about two and a half years, but they don’t live together so he’d never find out. And you think about chasing her about school when you were wee and lying in your bed and listening to love songs and pretending they were about you. And the first time you asked her out she said no but one night you went to a wedding and when you came back to the pub she’d changed her mind and you went out. You remember the way she swung her arms when she held your hand but you can’t remember how she kissed and now you’ve got the chance to find out.

But you have to remember there’s this other kiss. And she’s sitting at home, wondering where you are and what you’re doing. And you work hard on this kiss and you know it inside out, it’s as much yours as it is hers, and it took a long time to get right, it took months of practice and months of embarassment but now you’ve got it perfected and you’ve been looking forward to that kiss all week.

You can see her breath in the air between your faces as you stand in the leaves and she just asks you straight out if you want to come and stay at her flat. But you make sure you get separate taxis and you go home and there might be a slight regret and maybe you’ll wonder what you missed but you have to remember the kiss that you worked so hard on – and you’ll know you’ve done the right thing.”