heaping bowl of thought processes.

This week has been filled with bad things.

I have to take a step back and realize:  I’m still in the same place I was yesterday, driving home from work, reading in bed, sampling my roommate’s cooking..

Nothing is fundamentally different.  Except I know things I didn’t.

How can I put my brain into the carefree state it used to be in?

I don’t want to get dependent on the future.  I want to depend on my present-day self to be happy.

Deep down I do believe people are only happy based on meaningful contact with those around them.  It’s hard for me to fathom someone that can perpetuate contentment or joy in their own brain, away from anyone else.   (But then again, didn’t books used to do that for me?  Why don’t they satisfy me now?)

I am happy when I’m being productive.. Maybe I’m just not busy enough?   I was enjoying myself today at work for instance, until I received a very lucrative email which communicated to me that I may have lost 800+ dollars.

If you want to sell a couple things, please NEVER use ebay.  You can’t get your money for 90 days, or until you sell 25 items worth at least $250 all together. 

I just wanted to sell my camera.

BASICALLY.  If it weren’t for money, I don’t think I’d ever be unhappy.

also long distance relationships could possibly put you in the hospital.  Think about it. 

In a flash of clarity I almost convince myself it’s (i.e. everything is) because of the weather, just like that doctor once tried to tell me but I immediately reject the idea (not as fast as I did then,  but still).

There’s too much chaos for me to be comfortable.  Too much unknown but vaguely thunder-cloud looking, foreboding/that-kinda-gray darkness.

I can hear the ominous music.

Like I’m juggling sharp things and wouldn’t you know it

GRAVITY kicks in so hard I’m seeing through a red curtain.



I couldn’t really “BASICALLY” this.  Sometimes all-caps are not enough to neaten a churning brain.