Flow vs. Fight
Don’t ignore what is
here.

push push push

I still don’t want the universe to get in my way
a child too young to cut my own meat up

“here let me help you”

but I bite and bite and bite

she’s a steak knife
my teeth are bared

just try
it,
just
try
it.

And I turn my face,
grown enough to be

grateful.



I love you even when one or both of us is clawed
I could never make you gasp for air like you did for me
2 years ago.

I’m a huge fan of your work, smartest
sheepdog on the far.

But here I am, a billion acres and you got me
on the greenest grass I’ve ever danced over.

Impermanence. Used to say it like a dirty word.

But if I let her take me everywhere she wants, the view just gets better.

and i ain’t even mad

out here still just trying to learn how to surrender
I know how it is when everything that is here is just how it is, no force, no anger. I’ve felt a love so vast it left me weeping and terrified (?) There isn’t a name for that emotion.

I don’t keep ? in a box.

No words no words no words. Words are an illusion that you can keep anything down and unchangeable and knowable.

those times I’ve trusted that everything will be given that is needed, how does that even feel when I’m not manic

frantic flow like a swollen river, that’s what that was. I knew what I needed to know, but it was too much

From a text I never sent:

There is spiritual practice that tries to avoid the abyss or practice that becomes comfortable with going deeper into it.

I want to believe in this in the marrow of my

BONES. From vertebrae to sacrum, want to feel this wind as music in the arteries that bring oxygen to my
EYELIDS, I want to know this with the electricity in my
heart.

———————————————————————
Peace. Surrender. The sun rises and gives me everything.

The sun over the water.

Want the ocean to hit me until I remember how to let go, all noodle arms and boneless. Could have told you this is how it’s supposed to be, letting the waves crash you

take you to the shore you’re meant to wash up on.
Don’t fight what is here.

Praise to the sand, scraping
your cheek raw.

Praise to the cage that
delivers you from sleep.

Everything is here to bring you out of the dream.

Reality is gonna scream your name, that light that demands
full attention, that fire that

burns your house down, the
one you loved so much.

The only thing left is

everything.

Flow

Give yourself permission to do shitty art. To dance so stupid, to sing so cracked and ugly. For joy. There is nothing like the joy of letting yourself do bad art. Something pours out, like neon blood you ripped right from the sun. Beautiful like your heart would be, pulsating behind glass, cracking the windows on the high notes. The first time I heard you sing was like

exactly like

[no words]. Nothing as true as this.

Out of the primordial chaos we create
slow-ooze and starfall
all real and necessary

truth is your hand
dripping with ink
or contorted with violence

[clear out to build]

Fire as prelude
Fire as the gentle voice
that breaks morning into your dreams.

the first egg, cracked.

Not always sure where God lives
but I know where they
used to stay

on the second floor of a nursing home,
the room next to the nurses’ station

Too tall for the bed

your eyes
gave you away

like stained glass betrays a cathedral

Unrelated song:

Have you ever heard of Jo Luehmann. because DAMN. Heard her on the Dirty Rotten Church Kids podcast.

dr,de.

I dream about you all the time
something as simple as eye contact
the lightest of touches

I’ve never held you
Not even once.

At the pool when we were kids
you borrowed my boogie board
I was still pretending
(could barely admit it to myself)

I think you were my first
looked at “that way”

want.

Maybe 10 years old.
No one knew, no one, no one, no one
a secret held so tightly the knuckles of my
brain turned white.

I think I still couldn’t tell.

I learned about sex in the library, same place I
learned about time travel

hiding in the corner, trashy romance novels doing
foreign things to my body.

You can’t bring back the dead

But maybe you can visit.

The first time I dreamed about you
after,
it was your birthday

waking up into your absence
complete and thorough

dull ache of impossibility

I miss the potential, I miss the maybe

I’ve never held you
not even once.

and now I never will.

Hamster-Woman plans a Vacation

Bear trap mind
bottomless and swallow
whole

hole

cage disguised as
freedom

the prettiest handcuffs the
shiniest bars

I could hamster wheel to nowhere

faster and faster

end up further and further away
from
paradise

eat the apple till it drips down
my jugular
sticky-necked chaotic

the thing about blood is it always
comes back to the
heart

tides to the moon

(this just never ends)

want to breathe peace into this
corpse body

awake awake
still-wheeled and sky-faced

letting the ocean soften my edges

into

sand.

I consider myself…. a beginner. Morning meditation has finally become something I do automatically, as soon as I wake up. Everything I do is to try to make myself better in some way. To accept what is here would be a miracle.

Poem for WR

I showed up
like the ghost of your
mother

4 am and wide-eyed
cold as expected

February for ya

“Try the house next door”
doorbell, dogbark, nothing.

for I was a stranger and you invited me in.

“now just.. h-h-h- hold your horses”

Those horses were frothing
brain overflowing with universe

you baked me bread

slept for eons on your couch
Well.
Minutes.

Be Not Afraid
Messages from your
Dead Mother

“Do You Think That’s The Answer?”
exclamation point to the exit sign

Think you gave me back my heart’s core.
the keys to my airplane

the center
of the
maze

and the unerasable
knowledge of
how to

get there.


I miss you, Wayzata Richard. Thanks for the bread. Who lets a manic girl into their house at 4 am? Jesus, probably. Miraculous.

hum

The unexpected moment
The air shifts like the tides
catching at my throat
pulling me toward

pulling me through

lifts my chin so I stare her in the eyes
“this is what you really want”

I wasn’t looking for anything
you gave me safety of soul

held you through a thousand lifetimes but
not like that

Not.
Like.
That.

want to taste your skin
but I won’t dance past the line you’ve drawn.

I worship that line because it’s yours.

whatever you want is what I want to give you
anything, anything

brightens and confuses, your human canvas
struck and wondered

I love you for everything
through everything

you are the definition
love trust
happy safe

You are exactly
enough.

So bright I can’t look away.

_____________________

I don’t even care that it’s not like that, will never be like that… god I love you so much I’m just so lucky you’re in my life. Still write poems for people that will never see them. Maybe someday, who knows. Never is such an extreme color.

love is blind

She sang this for mental hospital karaoke and I’ve never heard anything more intense. Can’t even remember her name, but she punched my wife in the face once, had to be on a one-on-one after that.

One time I told her I’d never been in a fight, and she was totally ready to change that.

I laughed and said, woman you would kill me.

She said, yeah, probably.