Anatomy of an exorcism

I start with the pain, but it always turns around by the time I stop writing. Grateful for these little demons, exorcised in ink.


weak from my core
the half-stopped faucet
lowcrossed wonder star

you have fed from the trough with
such abandon
the animals avert their eyes

wincing
second hand embarrassment

love upside down
you take and I just

keep

pouring

so willing
a monsoon that never runs out of rain

until
she
does

I take a breath
and remember

how it feels to be given to
how it feels

light/expansive

covered in sunlight
and dripping in
gold

watch the rain on my sunflower heart

watch the green
after all the winter

shining in all power
with a paintbrush
in my teeth

hieroglyphics for an ending
symbolism for the fire
that burns down a dead forest

red as the sunset

and the moon rises, so
cool

raw as my love is
strong.

waves of waves of waves

The kingdom of heaven is here
look
close as the peach on the stem
bumping your nose

close as the love pulsing
in your veins

holding each other
careful, care, care, fully

I want to paint you
lounging in paradise like you do

laughing, crying
awash in emotions
feeling it all

it’s the stories and play
that are the best part of
being human

and I’m out in the rain
polka dot boots
and wet hair

and your mom comes to the door

and I ask if you can come out

auditions

Always looking for something/someone to save me

I contain like a jar
certain foods not palatable to the majority

I’m thoroughly enjoying watching you gorge
yourself on what everyone else is scared
of

We’re just two bonfires that met in the middle

I’m circling you like a shark
there’s blood in the water

and it’s so bright so bright

she keeps keeping coming for me

I’m danger-zoned
about to wash up on that shore
where too many things
make sense

my favorite beach
my favorite shipwreck

face down in the sand
flirting with the fishes

you tell me to be careful
unfortunately

I’m God in her chaos
I’m love knife-edged

too much electricity
this mental-hospital world
can’t keep the exit doors shut

I’m a powder keg

and she’s ready to blow

weird structures

When a romantic partnership starts sucking energy away from my friendships, I break up with that person. This is how I invest more time in connections with two of my exes than my current local romance connection.

To the point where… I don’t know why I call them exes. Odd society that judges the seriousness of a connection based on whether sex is involved or not.

ick.

I haven’t been writing poetry lately but it will come I’m sure.

A nice playlist for you:

so. good.

Getting better at floating into this untetherment. My schedule dictated by chance desires of others. Tell me this is okay, tell me I will break even and even and even

I felt trapped until you left, how is it always like that.

I don’t know if consistency like the kind that’s diamond ringed, if that’s something I have on offer. I should give you all my time because of biological attraction?

We barely even talk, we barely even talk about anything important. I don’t know how to be a wife, and I’m glad I side-eye that path so hard it walks away from me.

Consistency.

I’d rather invest into my friendships, so how did I get to this place. See you twice a week. It’s too much. No one else asks that of me, and it’s not a given that just comes with my body.

I feel caged in real easily. Used to see him just once a year and I think I just rewired my brain like that.

I don’t know how to be that entangled. That unseparateness that I’m supposed to want.

seaside

watch your eyes soft focused on the exit sign
romancing that cave where the strange bird sings

I see it too
in shadows
in mirrors

feel it in the weight of you
five pounds down in one week

your hip bones could cut glass
how does all that tired fit in one body

it doesn’t
not for long

normal not bitter normal not bitter normal
better than normal

there is so much love
I love you more than the stars

now I finally have an answer

my love language is you calling me weird like I’m the most expensive wine no one’s been able to afford until now.

my love language is stillness, waiting… maintaining the question for half a decade, maybe longer

8 hour hugs, synchronized breathing
my love language is to halve the distance infinitely

hearing no, saying no

having my boundaries honored, having my boundaries celebrated, when my no is held with care, like a gift instead of an inconvenience.

my love language is being touched like worship

directness. ambiguity.

ambiguity that leads to directness.

weird. weird like a child, like what if the trees sang to you, what if we were tigers, what if just you were a tiger and I was a ghost.

I’m only on this planet to hit peak weird, and it’s only happened three times. If you ever go there with me, you’re a universe I will struggle to exit.

my love language is living in the feedback loop where the stranger I get the more your eyes shine- like you’re daring me, and I can’t not.

my love language is seeing someone alchemize feedback and make changes.

when people tell me the hard things, the things no one else is bold enough to hit me with

my love language is maintaining eye contact to the point of hallucinating.

loss of control in the controlldest of control freaks.

Old poetry

I still don’t know what this means, nearly a decade later.

girl with broken vase

I search your body for
evidence of death, 

bread and wine between your teeth,
yellow bruises gracing
undersides of eyelids.

you fold inwards
bones sloshing, in preparation to
capsize.

your children are scaled and
wide-eyed.

they know water from sunlight 
but still choose

rain.

If you’re going to do psychedelics, do them with someone you trust, who is the kindest person you know, who is the most nonjudgemental. I had fun 🙂

The unsocially acceptable healing

So…. I went and did a thing. I’m a professional cuddler now! Peep these shots from my recent photoshoot, and follow me on insta @radiatawellness. My website is live at radiatawellness.com . I’ve also been doing massage, and caregiving (as usual). My goal is to have a completely flexible schedule by December. Or earlier.