out here still just trying to learn how to surrender I know how it is when everything that is here is just how it is, no force, no anger. I’ve felt a love so vast it left me weeping and terrified (?) There isn’t a name for that emotion.
I don’t keep ? in a box.
No words no words no words. Words are an illusion that you can keep anything down and unchangeable and knowable.
those times I’ve trusted that everything will be given that is needed, how does that even feel when I’m not manic
frantic flow like a swollen river, that’s what that was. I knew what I needed to know, but it was too much
From a text I never sent:
There is spiritual practice that tries to avoid the abyss or practice that becomes comfortable with going deeper into it.
Give yourself permission to do shitty art. To dance so stupid, to sing so cracked and ugly. For joy. There is nothing like the joy of letting yourself do bad art. Something pours out, like neon blood you ripped right from the sun. Beautiful like your heart would be, pulsating behind glass, cracking the windows on the high notes. The first time I heard you sing was like
[no words]. Nothing as true as this.
Out of the primordial chaos we create slow-ooze and starfall all real and necessary
truth is your hand dripping with ink or contorted with violence
[clear out to build]
Fire as prelude Fire as the gentle voice that breaks morning into your dreams.
eat the apple till it drips down my jugular sticky-necked chaotic
the thing about blood is it always comes back to the heart
tides to the moon
(this just never ends)
want to breathe peace into this corpse body
awake awake still-wheeled and sky-faced
letting the ocean soften my edges
I consider myself…. a beginner. Morning meditation has finally become something I do automatically, as soon as I wake up. Everything I do is to try to make myself better in some way. To accept what is here would be a miracle.
The unexpected moment The air shifts like the tides catching at my throat pulling me toward
pulling me through
lifts my chin so I stare her in the eyes “this is what you really want”
I wasn’t looking for anything you gave me safety of soul
held you through a thousand lifetimes but not like that
Not. Like. That.
want to taste your skin but I won’t dance past the line you’ve drawn.
I worship that line because it’s yours.
whatever you want is what I want to give you anything, anything
brightens and confuses, your human canvas struck and wondered
I love you for everything through everything
you are the definition love trust happy safe
You are exactly enough.
So bright I can’t look away.
I don’t even care that it’s not like that, will never be like that… god I love you so much I’m just so lucky you’re in my life. Still write poems for people that will never see them. Maybe someday, who knows. Never is such an extreme color.