Easy to become hopeless. Like a tsumani of what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-what-can-I-do-…..
Nothing. I can do nothing. Waiting, I guess, which is a non-action. Do I have faith in time? Maybe not as much as I used to.
Just need to cancel the things I thought I could do, cancel the wedding, cancel everything I thought we could do together in the next few months. Thought he’d be here now. Stupid. Over-eager, and stupidly optimistic. When things fall through I get angry and lash out. He doesn’t deserve that.
Too much uncertainty like a weight. Getting out of bed requires more strength than I have, a miracle I punch in to work at six AM everyday regardless. I need him here. I’m so. so. so sad.
I don’t want to move to India. I don’t want to wait another year, another two years. Feels like I’m beating my head against the wall, and his patience infuriates me. How he’s not beating his head here with me, just all wait-and-see. And I CAN’T.