Exit from the Circus

2010 Me is hilarious.  I love her.  She’s just trying to figure out what to do with all this physical-ness.  Just wants to cuddle (okay that’s still me, let’s be crucial).

“I need to write that dude a letter. Best friends. I can’t can’t CAN’T do anything physical. We pretty much shouldn’t even hug. Even if he was single. CAN’T let myself go for him. Never never never.”

I did have a lot  of guilt, just trying to make myself NOT TOUCH.  Wonder what I would have been like if I wouldn’t have grown up in the conservative Christian realm.  Well… part of it is also I was SURE that if I did anything with the above, it would ruin our best friendship…

“So I don’t know what to think. M*** and I had our “talk” today. It was supposed to be me telling him I’d never date him and him convincing me I was wrong about him.. but it ended up being him trying to have a legit talk with me, while I just tried to kiss him but he wouldn’t let me. So… I don’t really know?”

2010 Me had a crush on EVERYONE, for real.  Every. Dude. And I was around my brother’s friends  which gave me a lot of men to choose from (not like I usually chose, had a crush on almost every single one).  Then ultimately decided the one I wanted was the one who was actually gay which didn’t work out too well for me.

(poem removed, a little too much. available upon request)

I was always trying to reign myself in. Do less, want less, cuddle less, hug less, DO NOT GET ATTACHED written on my mental mirror in lipstick… I think when I finally let go of that, it’s what enabled me to be in a mature relationship.  Someone I met in Ireland told me to never close the valve on your heart… Let your love flow out completely.  He was a Reiki healer… and possibly the best Salsa dancer I’ve ever met.

Of course it did take a mental breakdown to really re-engineer my heart to enable it for these acrobatics that are now commonplace.

Or maybe my heart is just finally free to be without restriction.  No contortions necessary.

 

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